Tuesday, February 01, 2005

The Assassinated Press

I have recently discovered the most amusing and cutting political satire on the web. Several weeks ago I found a link to The Assassinated Press, probably on BuzzFlash.com. Initially I was underwhelmed by the minimal design on the site and lack of content. However now it seems that the very clever writers of this mock-news site have hit their stride.

A recent headine reads America's Venereal Foreign Policy:"We put a crust of bread to our mouths and the gringos knock it away.""It's for the U.S. to say who lives and who dies."---Kindasleazie Rice. The article includes hillarious outtakes from the usual suspects as well as red-necked US military types and various minor Latin American dignitaries.

Blah, I'm making it sound pretty boring. What makes this site so funny is that it is completely blunt. For instance:
Roger Noriega, U.S. Assassin for Hemispheric Affairs has called Chavez Marxist. "Anybody that would educate and feed people out of some sense of principle is a Marxist. Its fucked up. If you got all this power and armament, act like fuckin' Cheney and Rumsfeld and Jeb Bush and those other vipers at the PNAC and try and take over the world. That makes sense. This school lunch shit and free clothing before you've even skimmed off a few billion for yourself is just a commie horseshit designed to fool the tree huggers. If Latin America really wants help, let the U.S. keep whittling the populations down so that maybe a few bucks will do the trick. If we murder ten of you fuckers that leaves more for the ten that are left. Now, like Gen. Gramajo said at Harvard University, 'The punch line is that a thousand points of light are from muzzle flashes.'"

Maybe I'm just a cynical bastard, but I especially love that last bit about the thousand points of light.

Anyhow, TheOnion.com can move over because www.TheAssassinatedPress.com has them beat hands down.


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